15 Feb 2015

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tout ce que je veux c'est toi

An upbeat, kinda indie-pop Brioux mix. For science. And because all the ones on 8tracks are great but so SAD. There’s English, French (mostly aimed for French Canadian if I could for obvious reasons), and German songs, because I got excited about using French songs too and then realised I had a legit excuse to use German too after their stint as Eisbaren.

Joyce Jonathan Je Ne Sais Pas
McFly Love is Easy
David Marin Le Vent Vire
Pohlmann Wenn Jetzt Sommer Wär
Taylor Swift Ours
Coeur de Pirate Comme des Enfant
Regina Spektor Fidelity
Joshua Radin Paperweight
BB Brunes Lalalove You
The Eels Fresh Feeling
Cro Einmal um die Welt
Kyle Andrews You Always Make Me Smile
Ball Park Music All I Want is You
Natasha St. Pier Bonne Nouvelle
Asta My Heart is on Fire
Imagine Dragons On Top of the World
Charlotte Cardin Goyer
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in disgrace with me

Imogen Heap Angel Angel
Yeah Yeah Yeahs Sacrilege
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Still Suspicion Holds You Tight
Seabird Rescue
The Offspring
(Can't Get My) Head Around You
Things We Lost in the Fire
The Fray
You Found Me
Down to Earth
Depeche Mode
Personal Jesus

And, oh, actually I have a lot of opinions about 2 of these songs so I'mma just cut the rest for anyone who doesn't care about my feels. )
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three points where two lines meet

Fighting the troubles; fighting their way to each other

Isbells Reunite
Sweet Talk Radio We All Fall Down
Ben Lee Apple Candy
Frente Bizarre Love Triangle
Of Monsters and Men King and Lionheart
Chet Faker & Flume Drop the Game
Aqualung Broken Bones
Alt-J Tessellate
Wes Swing Through a Fogged Glass
Daughter Youth
The Myriad Stuck in a Glass Elevator 
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you were always meant to be 

Selection of some of not-embarrassing songs from an old Merthur fanmix from way back when. I'm trying to follow a bit of a narrative of Arthur finding out about ~the magic~ in the order I've chosen, with POV flipping back and forth, but man idk how successful I was.

Supertramp The Logical Song
Phantom Planet Big Brat
The Real Tuesday Weld (Still) Terminally Ambivalent Over You
The Buzzcocks Ever Fallen in Love
Dragonette True Believer
The Darkness Growing on Me
Nil Lara Fighting For My Love
Aqualung Easier to Lie
Elbow Red
Moving Units Between Us and Them
The Magic Numbers Forever Lost
Glen Phillips Courage
Oasis Wonderwall
Maria Mena You're the Only One
Boyzone Love You Anyway
Anberlin Time and Confusion

So, look, I gave up on the show around season 2-3. impromptu essay on all the reasons arthur should've known bout the magic? )
whatevermortal: (nathanwuornos)

it's easy to fall in love

Navigating living in the same small town as the ex you're maybe still in love with: absolutely not a how-to guide

(Sorta a prequel mix to Renew)

Years and Years Take Shelter
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Ain't No Easy Way
Winter People Gallons
The Real Tuesday Weld (Still) Terminally Ambivalent Over You
Illy Tightrope
The Rubens Lay It Down
Coldplay Warning Sign
Ben Lee Something Borrowed, Something Blue

whatevermortal: (pincers)

as i struggle to be whole

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Weight of the World
Chris Garneau Between the Bars
Something for Kate Feeding the Birds and Hoping for Something in Return
The Real Tuesday Weld It’s a Wonderful Li(f)e
The Smiths How Soon is Now?
Devotchka How It Ends
Everything Everything Kemosabe
Mumford and Sons Dust Bowl Dance
Modest Mouse One Chance
The Brian Jonestown Massacre Straight Up and Down
And ok I made a gif cover image for this before I found out that 8tracks doesn't actually let you use gifs unless you have a paid account. I'm really salty & sad about this & i'm sharing it under the cut so i didn't make it for no reason )
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you are made of nebulas

Eisley Marvelous Things
Coldplay Paradise
Wake Owl Gold
Lisa Mitchell Spiritus
Jebediah She’s Like a Comet
Feist I Feel It All
Vienna Teng Never Look Away
Owl City Fireflies

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Neville in the Battle of Hogwarts (& the school year leading up to it)

Woodkid Run Boy Run
Starsailor Faith Hope Love
Vienna Teng Level Up
Aimee Mann Today's the Day
Coldplay Violet Hill
Our Lady Peace One Man Army
The Script (ft. will.i.am) Hall of Fame
Alex Lloyd What a Year
whatevermortal: (nathanwuornos)

i want you & i want him

AU where everything is sunshine and light and my OT3 are happy and cute all the time

Boy Army
Noah and the Whale 5 Years Time
The Mowgli’s San Francisco
Jamie Grace (ft. Toby Mac) Hold Me
Bone Poets Orchestra Yes!
The Kooks Junk of the Heart (Happy)
The Bird and the Bee My Love
Eduardo Molinero Two Flavours
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the world is watching

Cider Sky Fall
Sarah Blasko We Won’t Run
Trevor Hall Green Mountain State
Patrick James All About to Change
Chet Faker Gold
White Sea Overdrawn
Allman Brown Ancient Light
Two Door Cinema Club The World is Watching
Tin Sparrow For You
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i'm the blade you're the knife

Yeah Yeah Yeahs 10x10
Metric Breathing Underwater
Paramore Crush Crush Crush
Cold War Kids Miracle Mile
Reynada Hill Cosmic Dare (Pretty with a Pistol)
Neulore Shadow of a Man
Phantogram Fall in Love
Tegan and Sara Closer
Florrie Call of the Wild
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Watch Our Bed Burn

Angela/Nanette, because why not ship the adult versions of characters from your childhood. Why not. It doesn't feel weird at all.

DEV Take Her From You
Florence and the Machine Kiss with a Fist
The Distillers Dismantle Me
Letters to Cleo I Want You to Want Me
Ludo Love Me Dead
Joan Jett I Hate Myself for Loving You
The Coral Dreaming of You
Ida Maria I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked
Anarbor I Hate You So Much

I'm pretty sure I shipped Angela & Nanette before Ii even knew what shipping was.i can remember watching angela anaconda as a kid and )
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you can’t hurt me, remember?

I find the way that the Troubles work so interesting. Like, Nathan's is his inability to feel, but which senses is he actually not able to use? Humans have a lot more than 5 senses, and the sensation that we call touch is distinct from pressure, temperature, pain, and itch sensors. Nathan seems to have lost touch-related external senses (his ability to feel external pressure, temperature, pain, etc), but judging from his ability to still function independently, he hasn't lost internal pressure (he wouldn't be able to feel the pressure of a full bladder).

He definitely seems to have his proprioception (ability to tell where your body parts are, relative to other body parts) and equilibrioception (ability to keep your balance and sense body movement in terms of acceleration and directional changes), but what about tension sensors? What about stretch receptors? 

I love how ironic Nathan's line, "You can't hurt me," is, because the fact that he's there, the fact that he's still so vitriolic toward Duke, the fact that he came to Duke at all when under the influence of Ray's Trouble, all point to a totally different truth. Duke can't hurt Nathan--physically--but Nathan still feels the emotional suffering of what he sees as Duke's betrayal so deeply. Nathan compensating for his trouble by finding ways to stimulate his other senses is one of my favourite things about his character, but I find most interesting the way that his emotional landscape seems to have also compensated. His emotional feelings are more intense because of his lack of physical feelings.

That is...actually not at all what I meant to write about though. I've been thinking about Ray's Trouble, and more specifically, about how it effects Nathan. Obviously, it doesn't create obsession out of nothing; it takes pre-existing obsessions and aggravates them, turns them into compulsions and then removes inhibitions. 

What i'm curious about is why Nathan's focus turned to Duke. Does Ray's Trouble use what you were stewing about at the time of being "hit" by it? Or does it use a larger, long-term issue that you have? So, did Nathan focus on Duke because he was still angry about their conversation outside the Scupper, or does he really spend that much time obsessing about Duke and the ruin of their friendship that Duke was his target?

And, ok, technically we know why Nathan might've spent that much time obsessing about it, now that we know his fight with Duke is the reason his Trouble returned. So, you know what, I can see why Nathan would go to Duke from a non-shipping perspective. I can. But! I think Nathan's dialogue when he's beating Duke up make me wonder. Nathan shouts, "The things I've done? What about the things you've done? The things you still do! To me!" 

What exactly does Nathan think Duke is still doing to him? By that episode, all we'd seen of Nathan and Duke's relationship (which, presumably, was a fairly good indication of their relationship pre-Audrey) and it mostly involved Nathan seeking Duke out and then respond magnificently to any baiting that Duke decides to partake in as retaliation. And, you know, I'm almost up to date with canon (halfway through season 4) and I still can't think of a single explanation in show for what Nathan means by this?

What else could he mean but his emotional reactions to Duke? What else could he mean but the emotional hurt that Duke caused him? And, look, if that's it, then what exactly was the nature of Nathan's feelings for Duke that he is still this affected by their falling out? 

I knew I couldn't expect to get my OT3 from canon, but I really wish Duke and Nathan were explicitly ex-boyfriends, because it just clears up so many questions I have about their relationship. 

oh & the gif was based on earlier fanart, which i'mma put here for idk science i guess )
whatevermortal: (nathanwuornos)
Duke Crocker/Nathan Wuornos | Haven | G | 226 words | AO3 link
Their first kiss tasted like scotch.

Their first kiss tasted like scotch. )
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please yourself so you
don’t have to be afraid
make amends
or carry on another way

Eternally crying over the nuance in Eric Balfour's facial expressions. At first, you look at Duke and just see a smirk, but there is all of this anger and frustration and hurt buried juuuust under the surface. Nathan yOU ARE A DETECTIVE. OBSERVE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF UR FACE.

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Haven AU

FBI agent Derek Hale knows that the supernatural is best left to the childhood he never really got to have, but when he arrives in Haven on a routine case he discovers that he has to believe the unbelievable to catch the killer of an escaped felon. Stiles Stilinski, a chatty, overenthusiastic reporter with an intense fascination in what he’s named “the troubles” and a newspaper he runs single-handedly, adopts Derek (despite his fierce protestations) after discovering an article written by his predecessors with a photo of a man who looks shockingly like Derek’s father, who he resembles closely.

Stiles and he once best friend Scott McCall have drifted apart since high school, but when Scott meets Allison, he falls so fast and so hard that it triggers the return of his trouble; a spike in his heart rate causes him to shape shift and he can’t be around her without transforming into a wolf-like monster. Scott goes to Stiles, who’d had his back during the last troubles when they were eight, for help and their friendship is rekindled—but so are the problems that had caused them to separate to start with.

After the case is closed, Derek decides to take the personal time he never uses to stay in Haven and figure out what connection his family has to the town. Haven is a close-lipped town and unwilling to share the secrets surrounding the mystery of the Colorado Kid murder and the photograph, but Derek does find out that the man pictured went by the name Lucas Ripley, and that, stranger still, he and Derek may be one-and-the-same person and his memories of the loving family he lost are a lie. Derek is destined to help the afflicted of Haven, but he needs Stiles, his connections and his lively intelligence to get anywhere with the reticent townspeople.

For all his willingness to help, Stiles is keeping something huge a secret: he’s the boy with Lucas in the photo and that whole day is a blank in his memory.

“Are you really surprised no one’s willing to talk to you about your maybe-dad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Derek, seriously? Look at you! Who’d open up to a guy who looks like he’s two seconds from stabbing you in the face?”
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You try so hard to be cold
You try so hard to not show
I give you nothing to doubt and you doubt me
I give you all that I have but you don’t se
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I wrote Transfer Your Tragedy a while back, but I can’t get the idea of the story behind that one scene out of my head tonight.

Human AU. Derek and Stiles form an unlikely partnership to bring down criminal mastermind/psychopath, Kate Argent, who murdered Derek’s family when he was a teenager. so... pretty much canon but without werewolves.

“Give it up, Stiles,” Derek says. He droops against the tiled wall and sighs. “He’s probably long gone with every scrap of evidence we had.”

“We can get it all again! We can get more and we can hide it better this time,” Stiles promises. “We’ll get her. We will.”

Stiles crouches in front of Derek and sticks out his hand. “Derek,” he says, very seriously, “take my pinky.”

Derek’s eyebrows lift comically high. “Stiles,” he says, very seriously, “what the fuck are you doing?”

Stiles just shakes his hand, pinky finger outstretched into Derek’s personal space, until Derek grudgingly curls his own pinky around it.

“A pinky promise is an unbreakable vow, Derek,” Stiles tells him. “We are going to catch Kate Argent and we are going to make her pay. Okay?”

Derek still looks sceptical and beaten, but his mouth quirks into that not-smile that always makes his eyes look unfathomably green. “Okay,” he says.
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Royal AU . Derek is a weirdly intense prince who can only smile properly for the cameras through sheer force of will and Stiles is a dorky senior in high school who’s been crushing on him from a distance for years. They meet and, by some minor miracle, despite Derek being sort of a dick and Stiles being sort of a mess, turn out to be sort of perfect for each other. But can their fledgling romance withstand paparazzi, friends, family, royalty, college applications, the atlantic ocean, chem teachers from hell, and the several thousand other tests the universe seems determined to throw their way?
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Honestly, I don't see Derek as a Slytherin at all. I mean, obviously it's down to individual interpretation, but I don't see him as particularly ambitious or cunning, or as particularly valuing those traits. I do kind of see the "means to an end" thing, but honestly, Scott is much more capable of that than Derek is. I personally prefer Gryffindor!Derek, but I could see him as a Hufflepuff. He does value family & loyalty quite a lot, but he also has a tendency to recklessly throw himself into things and he is incredibly, stubbornly brave. I don't just mean that as him getting himself into situations that are clearly over his head, or throwing himself under a bus to protect someone else. I mean, also, the things he has been through and kept going. He goes through endless hell and yet, every day he gets up and he keeps going, keeps pushing, keeps fighting.

I think the Sorting Hat would be torn between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff for Derek. I think it would sit there, debating with itself where he would fit better, where he would really grow. And, meanwhile, Derek sits there desperately hoping he ends up in Slytherin, oh please please, because his family is a proud Slytherin family, every single one of them through every generation has been in Slytherin, and here is little eleven year old Derek sitting here with the Hat telling him no. (Laura would tease him so much over it, and he'd develop such a complex.)

Oooh, i have a thing for this--

The Hales have been Slytherins for generations, for as long as anyone can remember. Until the Sorting Hat droops over Derek’s eyes and whispers, Not for you. No … no, certainly not.

“What?” Derek asks, horrified, and, “No, wait,” and, “Please, I want—”

The Hat hums thoughtfully and says, You could never be great there.

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need—I don’t want—”

Precisely my point, Mr. Hale, says the Hat. “GRYFFINDOR.”
--Speaking of proud house families: Allison, a Gryffindor from a long line of Gryffindors. I am about that.

The only ones I really see (from the season 1 cast) as Slytherins are Peter, Lydia, and Jackson. And obviously Lydia would be great in Ravenclaw, but I think she places more value in the ways that she can apply her knowledge and the greatness she could achieve than she does in the actual having of it. And, really, I think Lydia really likes having people underestimate her. She likes having that element of surprise, and I think she'd end up resenting having people know how smart she is just by looking at her robes or hearing her Hogwarts house.

Scott, I generally think of as a Gryffindor, but now that I've thought of it, I do see a little Slytherin in him as well. He does have that ruthless streak, that "means to an end" thing I mentioned. Stiles, otoh, I see a lot of people place in Slytherin and I disagree. I mean, I do vaguely understand why, but I think his Hufflepuff traits outstrip his Slytherin ones. He works hard, he loves fiercely, and his loyalty is unwavering. If you're in his circle, there is nothing he wouldn't do for you. And, when it comes down to it, if you're not in his circle, there's nothing he wouldn't do to you. So, yes, he's ruthless, but the circumstances always come from a place of traits that are, at their heart, Hufflepuff. I think people don't put him in Hufflepuff because they see it as a house of total cooperation, where everyone is friends and there's no hierarchy, no cliques, everything is sweetness and light. I think people forget that you don't need to be particularly kind to be a Hufflepuff (remember Zacharias Smith?).

And, besides, I have a weirdly large amount of headcanon figured out for a Hogwarts AU I have no intention of writing.

So, ok, Scott (half-blood, but he's always lived with Melissa who's a Muggle) and Stiles (100% Muggleborn) meet on the train and end up sorted into Gryffindor & Hufflepuff respectively. Stiles isn't letting no arbitrary sleeping arrangement lose him a friend though, so he just spends most of his time hanging out in the Gryffindor common room with Scott.

Wait, here--

Stiles meets Scott on the Hogwarts Express and they are instant best friends. He can see the disappointment in Scott’s open face from the Gryffindor table when the Hat sorts him into Hufflepuff, but he’s not taking this separatist bullshit. Stiles doesn’t make friends, especially not this easily, and he is not losing this one because they sleep on different floors of a castle at night. Which. A castle, this is so awesome.

He troops over to the Gryffindor table during the meal, getting side-eyed pretty hard by basically everyone who bothers to notice him, and whacks Scott on the shoulder.

“Dude, we’re meeting for breakfast tomorrow,” Stiles tells him, and Scott’s face, which had been doing a painfully adorable sad-puppy thing, clears like the sun coming out.

He flat-out beams, and Stiles—okay, Stiles has never been a popular kid. He’s always been a bit of a dork and he runs his mouth too much, so he kind of gets it. Sometimes he wishes he could avoid himself too.

But Scott actually likes him, for some inexplicable reason. And, yeah, this guy is gonna be Stiles’ best friend for life; he can feel it.
--Derek's a few years above them and spends all his free time scowling at Stiles across the common room, because he is trying to STUDY ok and Stiles isn't even a GRYFFINDOR, he should be here at all. He's still a werewolf though, a lot of the Hales are (maybe they were all attacked by Werewolves during the war in the 90s idk). But Wolfsbane potion is a thing and they're allowed to attend Hogwarts anyway. And, actually, you know what, Scott is a werewolf too. He got bitten during the summer after first year and totally freaked out that he wouldn't be allowed to go to school after all, but everything ends up fine. And then he's scared that Stiles won't wanna be his friend if he knows, but eventually figures that shit out, hits him a bunch of times for never telling him, makes a bunch of dog jokes, and then carries on as normal.

Oh, hold up I have something for this too--

It all clicks about five months into fourth year: the shiftiness, the avoidance, the monthly disappearances, the sudden improvement at Quidditch and the way Derek seems to be lurking around every corner. It clicks into place, forms a big, neon sign that screams WEREWOLVES, and, okay, if Stiles was a worse person he would punch Scott in the head.

He does kind of punch him a bit and he does call Scott a lot of names, but he also tells Scott he’s the stupidest person alive for thinking this would change their friendship at all and the way Scott’s face lights up reminds Stiles of the day they met. Scott has a smile like fucking sunshine and it’s so unfair that it just melts Stiles’ temper away at times like this. He’d really like to get to stay mad at Scott for the shit he pulls every once in a while.

“And this is why you’re suddenly all cosy with Hale!” Stiles crows, slapping Scott’s arm. “Oh my god, I was right! He’s a werewolf!”

“You thought he was a vampire,” Scott says, confused and a little hangdog, like he thinks he’ll be in trouble for Stiles figuring it out—and, wow, dog jokes just got so much funnier.

“He’s still a creature of the night,” Stiles says, dismissive. And then, “No offence?” because he isn’t sure what counts as an insult, really, to a werewolf.
--And so this is how Stiles actually ends up in the same social circle as Derek Hale, who he may or may not have been secretly mooning over as badly as Scott has been for Allison. But Derek is in seventh year while they're in fourth, so nothing happens while they're still at school. It isn't until after Scott and Stiles graduate, and suddenly Stiles is seeing Derek around again and he is even more beautiful than ever and has actually started treating Stiles like an adult instead of the brat hanger-on of the dumb new werewolf he's been tasked with mentoring and Stiles doesn't even know what to do with this??? 
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He was into them in high school, had their early albums and was into them in a vague sort of, oh I like these songs, sort of way. And then the fire happened and he lost track of the CDs for a while. But he finds his favourite, Howl, again when they’re living in New York and he puts it on and doesn’t really think that much of it until suddenly he’s hearing,

it’s easy to fall in love
when you’ve run your luck you know you’re done
and the last kiss had fool’s cost
now your tired eyes can only haunt

(‘Ain’t No Easy Way’)

It reminds him so viscerally of seeing Kate for the last time that he has to throw up. He doesn’t touch it again for a week, two weeks, going on three, and he can’t help it and he kind of thinks he deserves it. 

So he’ll hit play and ‘Shuffle Your Feet’ will start up with,

time won’t save our souls
time won’t save my soul

And it’s a kick to the gut, but he likes how it hurts because if it hurts then he’ll remember, and as long as he remembers then he can’t be tricked again.

All of it, though, the whole album, even the songs that don’t really hold any significance to him lyrically, has an feeling in the vocals and the music that speaks to him. He plays it all the way to Beacon Hills, blares it through lowered windows as he follows Laura south, and he has to stop the car just before he reaches Beacon Hills proper because ‘Complicated Situation’ comes on and—

so the sleeping children were awoke
in time to haze their eyes

—and he can’t deal. He has to stop and breath and find the anger, use the anger, because if he doesn’t he’ll fall apart and he doesn’t have time to fall apart. Laura needs him.

Later, he’ll listen to ‘Howl’ (I give you nothing to doubt and you doubt me / I give all that I have but you don’t see) and it will remind him of Scott and how fucking frustrating Scott is when they should be working together, when they need each other equally.

And the first time Stiles ends up in Derek’s car in a non-life-or-death situation, ‘Promise’ cuts in when he starts the engine,

there is a burden you cannot hide
but in their arms you feel so alive
and in a moment you’re cast aside

And Stiles doesn’t even seem to think before he says, “Jesus, that’s some morbid shit,” because of course he knows. Of course he figured it out on his own. It makes shame burn in Derek’s throat—shame and anger and fear—and he’s white-knuckling the steering wheel, but Stiles doesn’t say anything else about it. He starts babbling on about Derek’s car or school or something. The ebb and flow of Stiles’ voice is oddly lulling, and he’s back at low-grade anger, almost calm, where usually he’d be fuming all day and nothing short of a punishingly long run would help.

/my feels

I mean, favourite is maybe not exactly the right word, but this is Derek and Derek is weird ok. 

Oh, and Derek is wrong about Howl. Derek just assumes he is the subject of the sentence not the object, but it is actually Stiles' POV on Derek more than Serek's POV on Scott.
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"This place is special to me."

(Danny Briere, 12 December 2013)
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so i got bored and drew a thing

(photo ref)
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define corey crawford
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People saying that women’s teams couldn’t beat men’s teams pisses me off so much. Not because it’s necessarily untrue (a high level USA women’s team has played against a men’s college (?) team and lost, if I’m remembering correctly) but because the resources available to men’s hockey are SUBSTANTIALLY greater. Particularly as you go further up the chain. Compare the men's & women's Olympic teams (for America/Canada, since I don't really known about the state of women’s hockey in other countries).

The men are, generally, already playing full seasons of professional hockey. They are paid highly to do it (no other job required = more time to play), they have trainers and coaches for every facet of their game/fitness, their equipment is free whether it’s coming from the organisation they play for or a company that is sponsoring them. They have every possible resource they could need to reach their peak skill level.

The women’s teams though, if they’re even playing pro hockey, are unpaid. They are studying and/or working full time in addition to playing. They have limited resources, the best coaches/trainers are likely to get snapped up by men’s teams who can afford to pay them more, and the cost of what equipment they have is much more likely to come out of their own pockets.

Like, if men outplay women it has NOTHING to do with the intrinsic level of competency that can be attributed them as men/women. No. It has to do with the opportunities afforded to men to improve their skill that are NOT afforded to women.

(ie. I have a lot of feelings about women playing hockey.)
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they cannot feel the same
(cos they don’t have it)
so i prefer two flavours
rather than just one
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I've seen people talking about the last screenshot on Tumblr a bit, but I’m almost at the end of a marathon of LoK and i was surprised at how often (and how early on) Korra is associated with the bi colours. The rest of the pics are just a few examples from Book 2 (from Beginnings & A New Spiritual Age respectively), but there are so many more. Every part of animation is painstakingly crafted, and this happens too frequently to be anything but deliberate.

It's particularly noticeable when you compare the colouring of LoK to that of AtLA. LoK is specifically, repeatedly emphasising a colour palette that isn't used in the same way or degree in AtLA. which means it is meaningful to Korra, not to the Avatar universe. 
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Sometimes I think about the fact that Nathan held Duke's daughter who he will never get to hold himself. do u ever cry

And then I think about the kidfic alternative that starts with Audrey being right. Where, in fact, Jean being held by her father renews him and saves them both. Where they can't be separated at all for months, because every time it weakens Duke all over again. Where Duke gets to keep the baby he never knew he always wanted.

Duke’s pale and sickly again when Nathan finally manages to get further than the patch of grass outside the hospital entrance. Jean is in one of the hospital cribs, so close that Duke can comfortably lie with an arm hanging off his bed so she can grip one of his fingers.

Nathan stops in the doorway, awkward. He doesn’t—he shouldn’t have come. He tried not to, but he’s not used to Duke hurt, not when isn’t Nathan who put the cuts and bruises on his skin.

“They tried to take her away,” Duke says. His mouth twitches into a half-hearted, deprecating smile. Nathan stares at the tiny hand clasping Duke’s left thumb with baby tenacity so he doesn’t have to look at Duke, at the strands of silver by Duke’s temples, at the surprised softness that keeps creeping into the way Duke looks at him.

Nathan’s not used to that anymore, doesn’t know what to do with Duke when he’s not teasing or taunting or smirking his way out of trouble, so it’s easier to look away and pretend nothing’s changed.

Everything is though. Changing. Ever since Audrey arrived.

It’s been years since the last time Nathan was able to look at Duke without resentment and hurt clouding his vision; now though, surrounded by beeping medical equipment and whitewashed walls, and increasingly since Audrey arrived, he’s struggling to ignore the concern-fear-relief that curl around his mind like soft white lining around the edges of a steel grey sky.

“Audrey thinks she’s keeping me alive,” Duke says.

Duke had never wanted kids, back when they were friends, and he was never good with (enamoured by) them the way Nathan is, but he says, soft, thoughtful, “I would have kept her anyway.”

Nathan doesn’t know Duke as well as he used to.

And no matter how much Duke wants to keep Jean, he doesn't know what to do with her. And he tries to move her onto the boat with him. And Nathan is just disgusted by it, but the only options are in a boat or above a bar, and he cannot have that.

So he clears out his old study that's more of a tornado of papers than anything and fills it up with baby things and moves Duke and Jean in with him, because Duke and Audrey are just as bad as each other.

After a day, Duke calls him the baby whisperer. After a week, he stares at Nathan rocking Jean to sleep and says avidly, “Can I keep you?”

There’s a warm, coiling sexuality to it, the way there always is with Duke, and it makes Nathan press his lips together irritably because Duke could have kept him years ago if he’d wanted to. He obviously hadn’t.

But then the intimacy of suddenly living with his ex again, the one he is still desperately in love with despite everything that's happened, and of raising this little girl together like a family is just too much, and he has started to fall in love with Audrey besides and is so confused about everything and it is the worst. 

And then idk ot3 babyrearing & everything is sunshine.


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May 2015

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