whatever, mortal.

Renew

Navigating living in the same small town as the ex you're definitely still in love with: a guide to fixing what once was broken

(Sorta a sequel mix to It's Easy to Fall in Love)

Oh oh, wait, I want to talk about this moment a bit too. Because I think, in this moment, Duke and Nathan could have reconciled. Nathan faced Duke's mortality for the first time and he realised that, no matter what he might say, no matter what he might try to convince himself of, he didn't want Duke to die.

He knows that Audrey went to tell Duke about the baby and he knows Duke is probably reeling from that and from his almost-death and, for the first time in years (months??? Haven's timeline is baffling), he goes to Duke because he's scared and he's worried and because he loves Duke. And Duke chooses to push him away instead.

Look at the middle row of photos! Look at how much pain is in Duke's expression when he sees Nathan outside. Look at how he steels himself to do it. You can see the exact moment he makes the decision not to let Nathan back in.

I don't think that's because he doesn't want them to reconcile, because it clearly hurts him to do it and it hurts how easily Nathan lets himself be pushed. I think he is feeling too bruised and hurt and raw to hide how deeply this has effected him, and Duke operates with a mask. He hates the idea of Nathan seeing him so clearly. I think he doesn't want Nathan coming to him out of pity now and then regretting it later. And part of it is also that he's still just as angry at Nathan as Nathan is at him.

I find the way that the Troubles work so interesting. Like, Nathan's is his inability to feel, but which senses is he actually not able to use? Humans have a lot more than 5 senses, and the sensation that we call touch is distinct from pressure, temperature, pain, and itch sensors. Nathan seems to have lost touch-related external senses (his ability to feel external pressure, temperature, pain, etc), but judging from his ability to still function independently, he hasn't lost internal pressure (he wouldn't be able to feel the pressure of a full bladder).

He definitely seems to have his proprioception (ability to tell where your body parts are, relative to other body parts) and equilibrioception (ability to keep your balance and sense body movement in terms of acceleration and directional changes), but what about tension sensors? What about stretch receptors? 

I love how ironic Nathan's line, "You can't hurt me," is, because the fact that he's there, the fact that he's still so vitriolic toward Duke, the fact that he came to Duke at all when under the influence of Ray's Trouble, all point to a totally different truth. Duke can't hurt Nathan--physically--but Nathan still feels the emotional suffering of what he sees as Duke's betrayal so deeply. Nathan compensating for his trouble by finding ways to stimulate his other senses is one of my favourite things about his character, but I find most interesting the way that his emotional landscape seems to have also compensated. His emotional feelings are more intense because of his lack of physical feelings.

That is...actually not at all what I meant to write about though. I've been thinking about Ray's Trouble, and more specifically, about how it effects Nathan. Obviously, it doesn't create obsession out of nothing; it takes pre-existing obsessions and aggravates them, turns them into compulsions and then removes inhibitions. 

What i'm curious about is why Nathan's focus turned to Duke. Does Ray's Trouble use what you were stewing about at the time of being "hit" by it? Or does it use a larger, long-term issue that you have? So, did Nathan focus on Duke because he was still angry about their conversation outside the Scupper, or does he really spend that much time obsessing about Duke and the ruin of their friendship that Duke was his target?

And, ok, technically we know why Nathan might've spent that much time obsessing about it, now that we know his fight with Duke is the reason his Trouble returned. So, you know what, I can see why Nathan would go to Duke from a non-shipping perspective. I can. But! I think Nathan's dialogue when he's beating Duke up make me wonder. Nathan shouts, "The things I've done? What about the things you've done? The things you still do! To me!" 

What exactly does Nathan think Duke is still doing to him? By that episode, all we'd seen of Nathan and Duke's relationship (which, presumably, was a fairly good indication of their relationship pre-Audrey) and it mostly involved Nathan seeking Duke out and then respond magnificently to any baiting that Duke decides to partake in as retaliation. And, you know, I'm almost up to date with canon (halfway through season 4) and I still can't think of a single explanation in show for what Nathan means by this?

What else could he mean but his emotional reactions to Duke? What else could he mean but the emotional hurt that Duke caused him? And, look, if that's it, then what exactly was the nature of Nathan's feelings for Duke that he is still this affected by their falling out? 

I knew I couldn't expect to get my OT3 from canon, but I really wish Duke and Nathan were explicitly ex-boyfriends, because it just clears up so many questions I have about their relationship. 


( oh & the gif was based on earlier fanart, which i'mma put here for idk science i guess )