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Sometimes I think about the fact that Nathan held Duke's daughter who he will never get to hold himself. do u ever cry

And then I think about the kidfic alternative that starts with Audrey being right. Where, in fact, Jean being held by her father renews him and saves them both. Where they can't be separated at all for months, because every time it weakens Duke all over again. Where Duke gets to keep the baby he never knew he always wanted.

Duke’s pale and sickly again when Nathan finally manages to get further than the patch of grass outside the hospital entrance. Jean is in one of the hospital cribs, so close that Duke can comfortably lie with an arm hanging off his bed so she can grip one of his fingers.

Nathan stops in the doorway, awkward. He doesn’t—he shouldn’t have come. He tried not to, but he’s not used to Duke hurt, not when isn’t Nathan who put the cuts and bruises on his skin.

“They tried to take her away,” Duke says. His mouth twitches into a half-hearted, deprecating smile. Nathan stares at the tiny hand clasping Duke’s left thumb with baby tenacity so he doesn’t have to look at Duke, at the strands of silver by Duke’s temples, at the surprised softness that keeps creeping into the way Duke looks at him.

Nathan’s not used to that anymore, doesn’t know what to do with Duke when he’s not teasing or taunting or smirking his way out of trouble, so it’s easier to look away and pretend nothing’s changed.

Everything is though. Changing. Ever since Audrey arrived.

It’s been years since the last time Nathan was able to look at Duke without resentment and hurt clouding his vision; now though, surrounded by beeping medical equipment and whitewashed walls, and increasingly since Audrey arrived, he’s struggling to ignore the concern-fear-relief that curl around his mind like soft white lining around the edges of a steel grey sky.

“Audrey thinks she’s keeping me alive,” Duke says.

Duke had never wanted kids, back when they were friends, and he was never good with (enamoured by) them the way Nathan is, but he says, soft, thoughtful, “I would have kept her anyway.”

Nathan doesn’t know Duke as well as he used to.

And no matter how much Duke wants to keep Jean, he doesn't know what to do with her. And he tries to move her onto the boat with him. And Nathan is just disgusted by it, but the only options are in a boat or above a bar, and he cannot have that.

So he clears out his old study that's more of a tornado of papers than anything and fills it up with baby things and moves Duke and Jean in with him, because Duke and Audrey are just as bad as each other.

After a day, Duke calls him the baby whisperer. After a week, he stares at Nathan rocking Jean to sleep and says avidly, “Can I keep you?”

There’s a warm, coiling sexuality to it, the way there always is with Duke, and it makes Nathan press his lips together irritably because Duke could have kept him years ago if he’d wanted to. He obviously hadn’t.

But then the intimacy of suddenly living with his ex again, the one he is still desperately in love with despite everything that's happened, and of raising this little girl together like a family is just too much, and he has started to fall in love with Audrey besides and is so confused about everything and it is the worst. 

And then idk ot3 babyrearing & everything is sunshine.

whatevermortal: (Default)

they cannot feel the same
(cos they don’t have it)
so i prefer two flavours
rather than just one
whatevermortal: (Default)
define corey crawford
whatevermortal: (Default)

so i got bored and drew a thing

(photo ref)
whatevermortal: (Default)

"This place is special to me."

(Danny Briere, 12 December 2013)
whatevermortal: (Default)

I wrote Transfer Your Tragedy a while back, but I can’t get the idea of the story behind that one scene out of my head tonight.

Human AU. Derek and Stiles form an unlikely partnership to bring down criminal mastermind/psychopath, Kate Argent, who murdered Derek’s family when he was a teenager. so... pretty much canon but without werewolves.

“Give it up, Stiles,” Derek says. He droops against the tiled wall and sighs. “He’s probably long gone with every scrap of evidence we had.”

“We can get it all again! We can get more and we can hide it better this time,” Stiles promises. “We’ll get her. We will.”

Stiles crouches in front of Derek and sticks out his hand. “Derek,” he says, very seriously, “take my pinky.”

Derek’s eyebrows lift comically high. “Stiles,” he says, very seriously, “what the fuck are you doing?”

Stiles just shakes his hand, pinky finger outstretched into Derek’s personal space, until Derek grudgingly curls his own pinky around it.

“A pinky promise is an unbreakable vow, Derek,” Stiles tells him. “We are going to catch Kate Argent and we are going to make her pay. Okay?”

Derek still looks sceptical and beaten, but his mouth quirks into that not-smile that always makes his eyes look unfathomably green. “Okay,” he says.
whatevermortal: (Default)

You try so hard to be cold
You try so hard to not show
I give you nothing to doubt and you doubt me
I give you all that I have but you don’t se
whatevermortal: (Default)

please yourself so you
don’t have to be afraid
make amends
or carry on another way

Eternally crying over the nuance in Eric Balfour's facial expressions. At first, you look at Duke and just see a smirk, but there is all of this anger and frustration and hurt buried juuuust under the surface. Nathan yOU ARE A DETECTIVE. OBSERVE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF UR FACE.

whatevermortal: (Default)

you can’t hurt me, remember?

I find the way that the Troubles work so interesting. Like, Nathan's is his inability to feel, but which senses is he actually not able to use? Humans have a lot more than 5 senses, and the sensation that we call touch is distinct from pressure, temperature, pain, and itch sensors. Nathan seems to have lost touch-related external senses (his ability to feel external pressure, temperature, pain, etc), but judging from his ability to still function independently, he hasn't lost internal pressure (he wouldn't be able to feel the pressure of a full bladder).

He definitely seems to have his proprioception (ability to tell where your body parts are, relative to other body parts) and equilibrioception (ability to keep your balance and sense body movement in terms of acceleration and directional changes), but what about tension sensors? What about stretch receptors? 

I love how ironic Nathan's line, "You can't hurt me," is, because the fact that he's there, the fact that he's still so vitriolic toward Duke, the fact that he came to Duke at all when under the influence of Ray's Trouble, all point to a totally different truth. Duke can't hurt Nathan--physically--but Nathan still feels the emotional suffering of what he sees as Duke's betrayal so deeply. Nathan compensating for his trouble by finding ways to stimulate his other senses is one of my favourite things about his character, but I find most interesting the way that his emotional landscape seems to have also compensated. His emotional feelings are more intense because of his lack of physical feelings.

That is...actually not at all what I meant to write about though. I've been thinking about Ray's Trouble, and more specifically, about how it effects Nathan. Obviously, it doesn't create obsession out of nothing; it takes pre-existing obsessions and aggravates them, turns them into compulsions and then removes inhibitions. 

What i'm curious about is why Nathan's focus turned to Duke. Does Ray's Trouble use what you were stewing about at the time of being "hit" by it? Or does it use a larger, long-term issue that you have? So, did Nathan focus on Duke because he was still angry about their conversation outside the Scupper, or does he really spend that much time obsessing about Duke and the ruin of their friendship that Duke was his target?

And, ok, technically we know why Nathan might've spent that much time obsessing about it, now that we know his fight with Duke is the reason his Trouble returned. So, you know what, I can see why Nathan would go to Duke from a non-shipping perspective. I can. But! I think Nathan's dialogue when he's beating Duke up make me wonder. Nathan shouts, "The things I've done? What about the things you've done? The things you still do! To me!" 

What exactly does Nathan think Duke is still doing to him? By that episode, all we'd seen of Nathan and Duke's relationship (which, presumably, was a fairly good indication of their relationship pre-Audrey) and it mostly involved Nathan seeking Duke out and then respond magnificently to any baiting that Duke decides to partake in as retaliation. And, you know, I'm almost up to date with canon (halfway through season 4) and I still can't think of a single explanation in show for what Nathan means by this?

What else could he mean but his emotional reactions to Duke? What else could he mean but the emotional hurt that Duke caused him? And, look, if that's it, then what exactly was the nature of Nathan's feelings for Duke that he is still this affected by their falling out? 

I knew I couldn't expect to get my OT3 from canon, but I really wish Duke and Nathan were explicitly ex-boyfriends, because it just clears up so many questions I have about their relationship. 

oh & the gif was based on earlier fanart, which i'mma put here for idk science i guess )
whatevermortal: (pincers)

as i struggle to be whole

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Weight of the World
Chris Garneau Between the Bars
Something for Kate Feeding the Birds and Hoping for Something in Return
The Real Tuesday Weld It’s a Wonderful Li(f)e
The Smiths How Soon is Now?
Devotchka How It Ends
Everything Everything Kemosabe
Mumford and Sons Dust Bowl Dance
Modest Mouse One Chance
The Brian Jonestown Massacre Straight Up and Down
And ok I made a gif cover image for this before I found out that 8tracks doesn't actually let you use gifs unless you have a paid account. I'm really salty & sad about this & i'm sharing it under the cut so i didn't make it for no reason )


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May 2015

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